30 YEARS IN

I havent posted in a long while... for many reasons... But here is something I wrote today. A messy reflection if you will.

4/22/2012

Spring is a magic show in slow motion. It is an exercise in waiting and appreciation. I find myself longing for sunshine and the promise of warmer days long before winters end and I find it hard to sit in the gray and wait.

Spring shows herself quickly here. After the first of the year the crocus were sprouting and reminding us of color passed. They give way to daffodils and then tulips and on it goes through the months of gray and spots of sun. I desperately search for the pockets of warmth… but I didn't always. I think there is something about living here that forces you to appreciate every moment of blessed sun that you receive.

In my past I have found comfort and beauty in the fog and rain. They were so very romantic to me. I'd wrap myself in something soft and drink something warm while navigating the mist entombing my world. It was comforting to me. But in recent years I've come to feel differently. I am panicked at the cold and fear the endlessness. I feel almost skittish, no longer wanting to hibernate but instead insisting on seeking the growth that points to what's to come… the warmth of the next season. Sometimes I loose sight of the magic around me and cannot see the colors of the flowers and the blossoms opening… some days I only feel the rain. Continuing to beat down upon me day after day after day after day. In this space, it becomes wearying to retain hope. The gray washes all the colors out and i cannot get warm.

Its sunny days like today that illuminate my discontent and process of acceptance. It was warm today. The day bursting with heat and flowers and joyous people everywhere you looked. All of this place drinks in the sun when given the opportunity. Sometimes it's a spasm, a gasping and gulping to drink in as much goodness as a body can possibly hold, and other days it is a softer relaxing into hope. We are not given the luxury of unending warmth and we take full advantage of this delight. Soon, the rain will return and the warmth will dissipate with it. Spring makes up her own mind when she will release herself and allow summers return.

I sat on the banks of a river today, my two babies splashing naked in the sun. And I was allowed to see: I am only given today. This spring might be a long one. I do not know how long this season will last. I do not know how long the gray will remain and I do not know when I will feel this warmth covering my being again. So I can only enjoy what I am given. I can only celebrate this moment of beauty. This moment is my hope. The hope of hot summer days and laughter, backyard parties and camping with friends. This hope is my bread to sustain me through this season I do not get to control. I do not get to choose how much I receive before the arrival of the coming season. I simply choose to accept this gift as foreshadow and pray for the birth of whats to come.

And such is life. Rarely do you control the season you are in. Sometimes it feels like relentless rain and gray skies with only brief moments of sun breaking in only to disappear once more. But the restlessness pushes you to search for the signs of life that promise something coming… a goodness you have known and felt. In the core of my being lies the hope that the next season to follow. I must learn to be content with the crocus until it's arrival.